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He's 10 years OLDER than his profile age
redheadguy Posts: 2216	Aug 19, 2008 11:24 AM GMT Quote So, I've been seeing this guy for a few months. We're starting to get serious and have been talking about where our relationship is heading. However, the other night he casually told me that he was not 46 as it says on his profile but 56, soon to be 57. Yes, he looks good for his age and all that but I was a bit surprised to say the least. I tried to pretend I was not freaked out but I'm not sure I want to continue seeing him. It's not so much the age factor but the lie. His take on it was I shouldn't be bothered by age. I'm honest about my age on my profile(s) - 42 - and have not given other guys' age much thought when it comes to dating. If you look good and are happy in yourself then fine and I don't rule out guys because of it. But this lie is troubling me.

gymguy1 Posts: 994	Aug 19, 2008 12:24 PM GMT Quote True, age is nothing but a number. However if he thought it wasnt a major issue....why did he feel the need to lie about it? And why did it take so long for him to tell you?
lissenup Posts: 560	Aug 19, 2008 12:30 PM GMT Quote I would be upset too. If a man starts off lying about his age, he's likely to lie about other things as well. I'm sure in his defense he's encountered a lot of ageism, but he should have come cleaner much sooner.
paradox Posts: 1518	Aug 19, 2008 12:34 PM GMT Quote IMO, it's damn stupid to lie about your age, when you can just as easily be rejected for being a liar as being too old.
SurrealLife Posts: 4382	Aug 19, 2008 2:24 PM GMT Quote I would drop the guy, not because of his age, but because he lied and did not have enough self-esteem to be honest about himself. Dishonesty and neuroses about getting older are big turnoffs.
redheadguy Posts: 2216	Aug 19, 2008 2:44 PM GMT Quote I would drop the guy, not because of his age, but because he lied and did not have enough self-esteem to be honest about himself. Initially I thought you were being a bit harsh but on reflection I tend to think you are right. But it's upsetting when you've found yourself developing feelings for someone and then they casually throw in their real age and then make you feel guilty for being freaked out. He made out that everyone does it with their online profiles but we have been seeing each other for three or four months now.
BodyWork4 Posts: 741	Aug 19, 2008 2:49 PM GMT Quote Are you f'ing kidding me with this crap. ohh some one "lied" about their age... Half the guys in this site are not 100% truthful about something and or are LYING! For example, I love the guys who post "NO HOOK-UPS" and then email a stranger to say "hey, I'm in your town next week, you wanna..." Not to mention how many men LIE about the size of their dick!! Now that's something to break-up over Yes please break up with this guy... Of course if all men did this, more than half of us would never have been born for the amount of women who have lied about their age! Divorce would be rampant! Drama, get over it. Sorry, but life is full of much bigger issues...
lissenup Posts: 560	Aug 19, 2008 3:17 PM GMT Quote redheadguy saidBut it's upsetting when you've found yourself developing feelings for someone and then they casually throw in their real age and then make you feel guilty for being freaked out. He made out that everyone does it with their online profiles but we have been seeing each other for three or four months now. You should definitely talk to him about it, and I hope you already have. He should not have waited so long to tell you and it's deceitful. However, he may have been developing feelings for you as well and was scared of how you'd react. He may have regretted not telling you sooner. I'm sure you wouldn't have cared if he came clean right away, like within the first few dates. He could have easily explained that no one would talk to him when he posted his real age but that he liked you and wanted to be honest with you. Give him a chance, but proceed with caution.
chungo44 Posts: 536	Aug 19, 2008 4:00 PM GMT Quote I think the bigger question is would you honestly have given him the time of day had you known his real age
eb925guy Posts: 922	Aug 19, 2008 4:07 PM GMT Quote I disagree, lying about your age is very common on all these sites. I use to do it and when you get into your late 40s and 50s you start to see a difference as to how people react to you when you post your real age. I've been told for a long time I don't look as old as I am but when I post my actual age, it's like I have the plague. I wouldn't give up the ship yet, if he nice and he's someone you enjoy, don't dump him. Let him know how you feel, I wouldn't say he lied, just that he did what MOST other gay guys do on Internet web sites.
JohnnieRayRou... Posts: 59	Aug 19, 2008 4:13 PM GMT Quote I'm not telling anybody how to run their lives, but my experience with people who lie is, if he'll lie about one thing, he'll lie about anything. I don't think shaving 10 years off your age is a federal crime, but I do think it's indicative of someone with issues -- why be ashamed of your age?. I'm told I look younger than my age (I'm 51), but I prefer to tell the truth and be told I look younger. Of course, the people who tell me I look younger may all be lying.
paradox Posts: 1518	Aug 19, 2008 4:14 PM GMT Quote redheadguy said But it's upsetting when you've found yourself developing feelings for someone and then they casually throw in their real age and then make you feel guilty for being freaked out. He made out that everyone does it with their online profiles but we have been seeing each other for three or four months now. Making you feel guilty for being disturbed by his dishonesty and lack of integrity is adding insult to injury. And, just because "everyone does it" doesn't mean everyone who does it isn't a dishonest creep for doing it. I gotta side with the harsh voices here. The guy's got issues, and deceit is probably not a good foundation for a healthy relationship.
EricLA Posts: 1126	Aug 19, 2008 4:24 PM GMT Quote I'd rather have someone omit their age than lie about it, especially by such a wide gap. I could forgive a couple of years. I just don't respect people who do that. Because, yes, I think they're more likely to lie about other things, too.
auryn Posts: 1582	Aug 19, 2008 4:29 PM GMT Quote JohnnieRayRousseau saidI'm not telling anybody how to run their lives, but my experience with people who lie is, if he'll lie about one thing, he'll lie about anything. I don't think shaving 10 years off your age is a federal crime, but I do think it's indicative of someone with issues -- why be ashamed of your age?. I'm told I look younger than my age (I'm 51), but I prefer to tell the truth and be told I look younger. Of course, the people who tell me I look younger may all be lying. It's because "good black don't crack" that you're able to get away with not having to lie about your age. I know several good looking older men that won't be given the time of day if they don't mention their ages. It's sad, and probably a reason why I don't focus on age so much; I see their fears and know that that's the only thing they're lying about. I don't agree that they should have to lie, I just understand it. What's worse is when there are guys their age that won't pay them any attention and lament that they can't find guys their age so they have to go younger. Life is weird sometimes. Redheadguy, tell him how you feel. Since you guys are getting closer, he probably felt that he needed to disclose the truth and give you the option to leave if either the lie or the age bothered you. It happens.
jaydub Posts: 578	Aug 19, 2008 4:30 PM GMT Quote Here's how I see it, if it REALLY bothered you, you would have cut him off already and not even asked us our opinion. But since you did, ask him what his reasoning was for lying on his profile and to you. Maybe he's having a hard time dealing with his age. I'm not too fond of getting older either and quite honestly, I'll probably lie about my age soon enough too.
bgcat57 Posts: 993	Aug 19, 2008 4:32 PM GMT Quote Our society practically promotes lying about your age. While I agree that I'd prefer to be honest up front about my age, I understand some who prefer to 'slide' their age. I don't necessarily think that if someone lies about their age that they will lie about anything. If they'd lied about being single, or never having committed a felony then that would be a different story.
art_smass Posts: 822	Aug 19, 2008 4:38 PM GMT Quote redheadguyBut this lie is troubling me. I've been in exactly the same situation. I just washed my hands clean rather than pursuing a relationship that would have been tainted with paranoia.
RunintheCity Posts: 1451	Aug 19, 2008 4:44 PM GMT Quote One small lie is usually lying atop several additional larger lies.
KoreanBrian Posts: 84	Aug 19, 2008 4:54 PM GMT Quote well I saw a guy who is 10 years YOUNGER than his real profile. he is under 18..
Hidden/Deleted Member	Aug 19, 2008 5:00 PM GMT Quote Either beat him up for lying or be magnanimous and tell him that the lie bothered you but you forgive him, and if you catch him in another lie he'll be sleepin' with the fishes, see. He has a one dinner grace period then it's off to the docks.
auryn Posts: 1582	Aug 19, 2008 5:01 PM GMT Quote king2139 saidwell I saw a guy who is 10 years YOUNGER than his real profile. he is under 18.. That's a person that you report since this site is 18+.
jaydub Posts: 578	Aug 19, 2008 5:02 PM GMT Quote RunintheCity saidOne small lie is usually lying atop several additional larger lies.
notsoomuch23 Posts: 107	Aug 19, 2008 5:05 PM GMT Quote well I am putting my 2 cents in... I started seeing this guy a while ago, his profile said 36. But when i met him I knew he was no where near 36, the thing that drove me to start to dislike him. Was to him it was a game, he would never tell me his age, he would play these stupid riddles like, well, sometime in the 80s I graduated high school. So finally he admitted he was 41. I believed it, then a week or so goes by and he made a comment that would make him older than he said he was...so he showed me his lisense and he was 46. I dont have a problem with age, but this whole fiasco of the lies was too much. I would say talk with him, tell him how ridiculous it was to hide the truth from you, and take it from there. But if he can lie or hide truth about age, there may be some other down the road as well.
jaydub Posts: 578	Aug 19, 2008 5:10 PM GMT Quote OMG!!!! GET REAL! EVERYONE lies! EVERYONE. Be it a white lie or a black lie - it's a lie. Get over yourselves if you think you'll never be lied to... EVER. Lying about his age isn't the sure sign that he's lying about some more serious. UGH!
PSCalif Posts: 146	Aug 19, 2008 5:13 PM GMT Quote Reading these posts, you'd think that honesty is dead and buried in the gay community. Another thread is rife with folks twisting and turning to justify stealing gym towels. This post, we're trying to justify lying about our age. Guess what? A thief is a THIEF and a liar is a LIAR. If he doesn't have the balls or self-esteem to face increased rejection because of his age, he also has a tragically weak personality. We've become unbelievably blase about tossing out our integrity to get laid! And no, EVERYONE DOES NOT DO IT. The people who do it are trying to fool you into liking them. If you stay with him after this, you can bet he'll NEVER post his actual age because his lying has worked before. To the liars: Have some self-respect and self-esteem. You are what you are. Deal with it. My vote is to drop this loser and move on to someone you can trust.
RunintheCity Posts: 1451	Aug 19, 2008 5:17 PM GMT Quote jaydub said Lying about his age isn't the sure sign that he's lying about some more serious. UGH! Of course it's not a sure sign. It's just a much higher likelihood. He could just be insecure about his age and be an otherwise stand up person. But odds are that someone who is insecure about their age is not comfortable in their own skin and really not suitable for a true, worthwhile romantic endeavor. Suggesting such isn't thwarting anything upfront, but being realistic about others and ourselves. If a person is prepared to navigate the other's insecurities as such, the endeavor could perhaps work and progress.
jaydub Posts: 578	Aug 19, 2008 5:21 PM GMT Quote
LalaPaulooza Posts: 546	Aug 19, 2008 5:25 PM GMT Quote i think it all goes back to, what's really important to you? if this is really bothering you, then you know what you need to do for yourself. and for everyone who is so black an white about this, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. this does not mean i condone lying about your age (or lying in general). i just feel so many people are quick to dismiss someone, or something, without looking at any possible shades of grey. it's rarely that simple.
Guy101 Posts: 873	Aug 19, 2008 5:26 PM GMT Quote Well if his take on the situation was that he shouldn't be bothered by his age then in all fairness the guy himself shouldn't have been bothered by his own age and he should've been honest with his age and just told the truth from the start. Alot of guys don't seem to realize that no matter how cute/hot/attractive/desirable/sexy they are that a simple lie can instantly turn them into the worst possible person ever regardless of how small and trivial the situation is. This guy apaprently has alot of nerve by trying to flip the script on you and trying to make it seem like age was the problem. It's never the age but rather the lie that comes along with it because you have to wonder that if a guy is willing to lie about his age then you have to wonder what else he might lie about. Something as simple as one's age has has snowball facter. What happens to snowballs when you roll them down a moutain? Turns into avalanche usually doesn't it. Don't get me wrong now. Everyone tells a fib or two from time to time or over exaggerates something but one's age is serious because it's about the person themself. If you a capable of lying about your own age then you are capable of lying about your own health or omitting certain truths about yourself that could be considered important to the other person so it sorta is a big deal, jaydub. I try to live a simple life and I don't ask for much but I do ask and look for honesty (who doesn't). If you can't be honest with me when I ask a question then I'm seriously not trying to be bothered. I don't have a problem with age since I know eventually I myself will be it. Besides, a guy who has to lie about his age is someone who is insecure with himself and clearly has some issues in my opinion.
TallGWMvballe... Posts: 854	Aug 19, 2008 5:27 PM GMT Quote JohnnieRayRousseau saidI'm not telling anybody how to run their lives, but my experience with people who lie is, if he'll lie about one thing, he'll lie about anything. I don't think shaving 10 years off your age is a federal crime, but I do think it's indicative of someone with issues -- why be ashamed of your age?. I'm told I look younger than my age (I'm 51), but I prefer to tell the truth and be told I look younger. Of course, the people who tell me I look younger may all be lying. GUYS! You can clearly see why most men over 45 or so HAVE to lie about their age because as many have said here NO ONE will pay any attention to you, chat with and certainly will NOT consider you for dating no matter how "hot" or younger looking you are! It is THAT kind of blatant age prejudice, ageism or "preference" as most hide behind that causes these situations. Redhead guy. if you knew his true age when you met would you have dated him? Until people stop judging on age alone and wait to see the actual person, This kind of thing will continue. I put my true age here and I know that it stops the majority of you guys from even considering me for dating.... it is a shameful, dark fact of gay life that perpetuates the terrible treatment of anyone older that some arbitrarily determined age of troll-ness that will cause ALL of you that practice that kind of prejudice to become bitter lonely older guys yourselves because you will have a bad self image you started when you were younger. Back to original question; If you LIKE the guy in every other way, ask him to be completely honest about everything and see how it goes would be my advice.
justplay1 Posts: 1	Aug 19, 2008 5:34 PM GMT Quote My thoughts.. I don't think it is fair to judge him solely on this lie. The fact that he has become honest with you indicates that he realizes this is a more serious relationship, and wants to be more upfront about it. I get it that being lied to hurts, but i would say the fair majority of us have lied to someone before. And it may have been for selfish reasons or it may have been to spare someone's feelings. Growing up gay, i realized that i had to lie about my identity for a long time. The truth is, i didn't want to, but i felt i had to. Yes, i was insecure...i still am. But does that make me a "bad" person was even untrustworthy? I don't think so, and i think if you got to know me, you wouldn't think so, either. Life's not easy and we all are trying to make sense of it. I know I am. I am certainly not perfect. I see myself as a work in progress...constantly trying to improve myself. We weren't given a life book..well, maybe some of you feel you like were. I would hope that my partner/soulmate can realize that i may still have my flaws, but I am wanting to make myself better, and i want to share in that journey with him. There...i rambled, but i said my piece. One final thought: there is no black and white in dealing with these situations. Trust your gut...if you don't feel like you can trust him, then you need to be honest with him and move on. It wouldn't necessarily bother me.....i'm just saying.
Guy101 Posts: 873	Aug 19, 2008 5:38 PM GMT Quote There's a big difference between not telling people you are gay verses not telling people your age. They are on two different levels.
TallGWMvballe... Posts: 854	Aug 19, 2008 5:40 PM GMT Quote PSCalif saidReading these posts, you'd think that honesty is dead and buried in the gay community. Another thread is rife with folks twisting and turning to justify stealing gym towels. This post, we're trying to justify lying about our age. Guess what? A thief is a THIEF and a liar is a LIAR. If he doesn't have the balls or self-esteem to face increased rejection because of his age, he also has a tragically weak personality. We've become unbelievably blase about tossing out our integrity to get laid! And no, EVERYONE DOES NOT DO IT. The people who do it are trying to fool you into liking them. If you stay with him after this, you can bet he'll NEVER post his actual age because his lying has worked before. To the liars: Have some self-respect and self-esteem. You are what you are. Deal with it. My vote is to drop this loser and move on to someone you can trust. GRRRRRR ! in your OWN PROFILE you say you prefer people 20-40ish meaning YOU would not give someone over that age an honest look for dating so YOU are one of the ones pressuring guys over 40 to lie about their age.
PSCalif Posts: 146	Aug 19, 2008 5:40 PM GMT Quote TallGWMvballer said GUYS! You can clearly see why most men over 45 or so HAVE to lie about their age because as many have said here NO ONE will pay any attention to you, chat with and certainly will NOT consider you for dating no matter how "hot" or younger looking you are! It is THAT kind of blatant age prejudice, ageism or "preference" as most hide behind that causes these situations. Okay, NOW I get it. We "HAVE" to lie about our age to attract prejudiced ageists who wouldn't have a thing to do with us if they knew who we really were. How about I just meet the guys that are more mature and might actually like me for who I am, and YOU work on getting those ageists turned? I stand by my opinion that to create a profile based on who you'd like to be instead of who you are wastes people's time and puts people like the OP in the situation he's in. It's not fair or right. It manipulates emotions and it wastes people's time unnecessarily.
PSCalif Posts: 146	Aug 19, 2008 5:43 PM GMT Quote TallGWMvballer said PSCalif saidReading these posts, you'd think that honesty is dead and buried in the gay community. Another thread is rife with folks twisting and turning to justify stealing gym towels. This post, we're trying to justify lying about our age. Guess what? A thief is a THIEF and a liar is a LIAR. If he doesn't have the balls or self-esteem to face increased rejection because of his age, he also has a tragically weak personality. We've become unbelievably blase about tossing out our integrity to get laid! And no, EVERYONE DOES NOT DO IT. The people who do it are trying to fool you into liking them. If you stay with him after this, you can bet he'll NEVER post his actual age because his lying has worked before. To the liars: Have some self-respect and self-esteem. You are what you are. Deal with it. My vote is to drop this loser and move on to someone you can trust. GRRRRRR ! in your OWN PROFILE you say you prefer people 20-40ish meaning YOU would not give someone over that age an honest look for dating so YOU are one of the ones pressuring guys over 40 to lie about their age. Don't attempt to speak for me. My first LTR was with an older guy, my second with a slightly younger one. The only 'pressure' you're feeling is with your conscience. Any one of us has types. I'm not going to lie to be someone else's. In turn, I don't expect them to lie to appeal to me or anyone else.
luvjunkie Posts: 7	Aug 19, 2008 5:47 PM GMT Quote Lol half the guys on this site lie about something, whether it be their age, cock size, dating status, etc however, can you honestly condemn people who do something, (ie lying) to fit into a society that severely frowns on guys who don't have the perfect age, body, or cock? Though I do not condone it, or appreciate when a guy lies to me about his age, I can understand the reason why he'd feel he needed to. You would have never given the guy the time of day if he'd had his real age on his profile so stop being all sanctimonious about cause you're no real spring chicken either. I must agree with bodywork4, stop portraying yourself as pure as the driven snow and get over it.
Guy101 Posts: 873	Aug 19, 2008 5:50 PM GMT Quote Well said, PSCalif. Everyone has a preference in the type of person they like and you can't really blame them for that. There is no pressure for a person to lie to another in order for them to be noitced. That is just wrong in all dimensions and universes. If a 40something old man feels the need to lie about his age then that's not my fault and I certainly didn't pull the trigger on his lie gun. It all boils down to one's own self respect and confidence. My approval of a person shouldn't hinder them from being honest to me in no way, shape or form. In that instance that is a personal problem and all personal problems need to be dealt with personally....don't include another person in it or even bother suggesting that they are the reason for that person to lie in the first place. That's madness. I'm flattered when a person goes out of their way to get my attention but a lie certainly doesn't rank high on my attraction meter.
paradox Posts: 1518	Aug 19, 2008 5:56 PM GMT Quote Older men lying about their age in order to attract men who have no interest in dating older men really reeks of FAIL.
TallGWMvballe... Posts: 854	Aug 19, 2008 6:05 PM GMT Quote I am not saying it is OK to lie about one's age (I am 100 percent honest myself) I am asking two things; first understand why so many people feel the need to lie and know that is primarily because so many put an age limit in their profile preferences and that so many including many on this site make references to older guys as "trolls" ugly and certainly not datable solely on their age. 2nd consider leaving out the comments and "preferences" in your everyday talk that reinforce the notion that AGE alone makes you ugly, undateable etc. How do Black guys feel about reading in profiles "no blacks" or Asians reading in profiles or in public comments "no Asians" or whatever group. We have to face WAY to much hate and prejudice in everyday society that we could at least make some effort to be civil with eachother. All you guys under 45 now. How do you see yourselves at 57? 61 or above? Do you think you are automatically an ugly troll no one would want to be with? Do you want to sow the seeds of that thinking in the guys now that will be looking at you when YOU get older?
Guy101 Posts: 873	Aug 19, 2008 6:19 PM GMT Quote Speaking as a person who is black-mixed when I see certain things like that in a person's profile I just move on. I consider it their loss, not mine, and clearly they are people I'm not trying to deal with if they put a preference like that up and clearly they aren't trying to deal with me (obvisously). The same goes for age. There is no legittimate excuse for a person to lie about their age when it comes to dating. Period...Dot. If you are gonna let someone dictate to you how you are to be percieved then you deserve to be classified as a "troll" or whatever. To allow yourself to be altered and rated by others is horrible and it's even worse when you have to feel the need to lie in order to fit in. I don't want to deal a person like that and I seriously doubt others do too. Stand on your own two feet and work with what you have I say. If someone isn't trying to be bothered by what you have then move on to someone who is. It's really that simple and lying isn't necessary. I'm gonna flip it on you older guys (or anyone for that matter) who feels the need to lie about their age in order to get with guys younger (or any guy) then you? Why? Why don't you date guys in your age range? You older guys make it seem like only us young guys have a problem with age. Clearly you do too since you don't want someone in your own age range and then get pissy when someone younger ins't trying to deal with you. I refuse to let my age group be the villians of this particular topic because that is BS. If the chemistry isn't there then it just isn't there and you can't force someone to like you no matter what. If you feel the need to lie about yourself in order to attract someone then you should stop and do some serious thinking. So if an older person started hitting on you what would your response be and by older I mean someone who is a good 10-20 years older then you and you are 50 years old. You older guys always pull that "wait til you get to be my age" card and it's disgusting to witness. You older guys are just as discriminating as everyone else so please don't make it seem like ya'll are the victims. You are just a victim of time and guess what...so is everyone else. I know why people lie about certain things like age and it's because of those reasons why I personally don't want to deal with them and I'm sure a few in my age group feel the same. I've befriended people and even fooled around with someone older then me (41) and things were great because he was a man and because he was honest. A few other thing attracted me to him but that's easy to figure out. Stop using age as an excuse to lie and decieve those you older guys desire. It's unattractive and quite frankly unmanly in ever sense. if youtruly want to be with some then you should be honest from the strat and if they don't want anything to do with you then consider it their loss not the other way around.
redheadguy Posts: 2216	Aug 19, 2008 6:30 PM GMT Quote Well, I have dated older than 57. (Yikes, my shameful secret is out, I do have a thing for much older men. So, yes, i would have considered him if he'd put his actual age on his profile.) Let's face it most profiles are not 100% accurate so you expect a bit of leeway where age, height and dick size are concerned. However, a 15-year age difference is a bit of a whopper, in my opinion. And, yes, I know I'm no "spring chicken" thanks for pointing that out to me and I'm certainly not making out I'm purer than the driven snow (again, thanks for pointing that out to me), but I feel hookwinked and mugged off.
musclexxx Posts: 4	Aug 19, 2008 6:30 PM GMT Quote the bottom line is how do you really feel about him - the person (ignoring the fact that he lied to you about his age). ask yourself, is he a person that you want to be with, that you think is a basically good person, considerate, passionate, loving ...the types of attributes that you want in a partner. now as far as the age lie, well ask yourself this, would you have wanted to chat or meet with him if you knew he was 56 rather than 46 yo? if the answer is no then ask yourself why? is age important or not to you? then think at least, even though he did lie i did meet a really nice person that i would not have met if i was turned off by his age. lastly, realize that there are so many profiles on here where guys dont lie about their ages but use photos that are more than 10 years old. i met a guy on here that looked nothing like is photos and then he said they were old and he needed something new to post. have also met guys who were verified and had private photos that were definitely NOT them, if you catch my drift. let's face it, internet sites are not the most honest or best way to meet a decent man for a relationship.... at best you may meet a friend... that could develop into something ... but realize that it is the world of sex, cruising and deciet...so take it for what it is. you need to deceide if you should break up with this guy over his little white lie..and, if that is the only thing that he has lied to you about.
notabadname Posts: 2	Aug 19, 2008 6:37 PM GMT Quote The problem is in the preferences. You should be allowed to hide your age, as you can on other sites. You don't walk into a club with a sign on your chest (like a marathon runner) with your age on it. And it would be rude to go up to someone and ask them their age as a means of introductions. People fib on their age, not because they are dishonest, but because they don't want to be instantly judged by everyone, or automatically ruled out of a "search". My age on this site is honest, but I certainly don't feel or act that age, and I'm normally told I appear much younger. I would happily (and proudly) tell anyone my age when asked. I just hate the idea of being ruled out of "consideration" simply by my age that has to be displayed on this site. I think that assuming someone is a liar simply by their reluctance to post their actual age on this site is a very wrong assumption. However, if you meet a person, and have a conversation that is establishing a relationship, and then are lied to, that is totally different and unacceptable in my opinion. Remember, that for most people, age is a personal question (especially as it advances), and should be revealed as the result of a personal conversation, the same way details about siblings, or parents would. The best thing would be for "RealJock" to provide a 'Hide age" option. Then it could be revealed in chat or meetings the same way other personal info is revealed. When asked, and when given.
GwgTrunks Posts: 484	Aug 19, 2008 6:39 PM GMT Quote I'm always leery of guys who find it so easy to lie about something as trivial as their age... It makes me wonder what else they're able to just pass off.
redheadguy Posts: 2216	Aug 19, 2008 6:41 PM GMT Quote I know all about online (dis)honesty, it's the fact that we've been seeing a lot of each other in REAL life and have been getting close and then he casually says, "oh, by the way I'm almost 15 years older than you thought. And why are you getting annoyed about it?".
HighVoltageGu... Posts: 1242	Aug 19, 2008 6:41 PM GMT Quote In the grand scheme of things, he lied about his age...big whoop. It's not like he's married with 5 kids or is actually your Uncle.
Lukah Posts: 26	Aug 19, 2008 6:44 PM GMT Quote I know so many guys my age who have such an issue with age. I can't for the life of me figure out why it's such a big deal A lot of guys on here are "older" and I think you all look hot!...But I can understand why someone would feel the need to hide their age. There is a lot of hate out there. Don't beat him over the head with it, because really, there are worse things he could have lied about. The fact that he came clean as you two were getting serious should mean something. Nobody is perfect, all that really matters is how he makes you feel.right?
XRuggerATX Posts: 2784	Aug 19, 2008 6:45 PM GMT Quote redheadguy saidI know all about online (dis)honesty, it's the fact that we've been seeing a lot of each other in REAL life and have been getting close and then he casually says, "oh, by the way I'm almost 15 years older than you thought. And why are you getting annoyed about it?". It's not so much that he told a lie, it's that he seems uncomfortable in his own skin at an age when he should probably have been over that at least thirty years earlier. Not hot and a red flag. Ditch him.
bgcat57 Posts: 993	Aug 19, 2008 6:46 PM GMT Quote Everyone here who was not fully out of the closet to everyone they knew, the moment they were attracted to a man is a liar. The condescending absolute dictum of 'a liar is a liar' is totally unrealistic and in fact foolish. I don't think there is anyone I've ever met in my life, who didn't commit some sorts of lies regardless of whether it was out of arrogant or pathological dishonesty or simply, survival or basic courtesy. Sweeping generalizations like 'a liar is a liar' are dangerous. I'd prefer to try to live as honestly as I can. I'm not perfect nor do I believe anyone else is. I strive to improve and it's a quality that I look for in others. They may be at different places along the path, but they are striving to improve.
BodyWork4 Posts: 741	Aug 19, 2008 6:48 PM GMT Quote Just break up with the guy, do him a favor! You're in here "talking" about him behind his back, how dishonest is that!!!?? Please, the relatonship is over, God forbid you find out he once cheated on a math test in elementary school, because we all know that is just the building block to adultry! You've dated the guy for a few months and now want to disolve the relationship over his not wearing a sign that says, "I'm Older Than You Think" That being the case you both are doomed to never surviving more important relationship issues - so end it now.
jaydub Posts: 578	Aug 19, 2008 6:51 PM GMT Quote HighVoltageGuy saidIn the grand scheme of things, he lied about his age...big whoop. It's not like he's married with 5 kids or is actually your Uncle. YEAH! It's not like he says he drew a cross in the dirt while in a prison in Vietnam. And then said, "Oh wait... that wasn't me, I read that somewhere." God bless you and your voice of reasoning!
muchmorethanm... Posts: 2759	Aug 19, 2008 7:12 PM GMT Quote I think you might want to assess if he has integrity or not by everything else that you've experienced with this guy that lied about his age. If he lied only about his age then perhaps that's how insecure he is about being older. And the way the gay community rejects older men, he has good reason. I don't like that he took so long to tell you. But he did come clean. I imagine it was totally up to him to do so and he wasn't pressured to do so after having been caught. Maybe have a good chat with him and express how much you value honesty and allow him to tell you anything else that might be important so that there are no more surprises in the future. If you caught him in other lies I'd say dump him. But if it was only this one time and you have feelings for him don't toss it away. Let him make it up to you by taking you to your favorite restaurant. I'm always easily coaxed by wonderfully tasting food. Just a thought.
Chizzad Posts: 672	Aug 19, 2008 7:17 PM GMT Quote I think any relationship started out with a lie or two is not that good. Even if it is a friendship, I want honest friends and assume most of us do. Either way go with your heart bud.
Laurence Posts: 624	Aug 19, 2008 7:26 PM GMT Quote Oh please. So he's older than you thought Red, does that make him a monster or something? It's the internet and a lot of people lie about their age, especially in the face of agism, which happens a lot in the Gay world. Besides don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to complain mate, as I know it's only recently that you started using your real age on your profile(s). Lozx ps. you're a hard-faced old mare anyway, so I expect you'll have moved on by the time you read this. Plenty more fish in the sea as they say...make sure you're using the correct bait.
notabadname Posts: 2	Aug 19, 2008 7:31 PM GMT Quote LaurenceBesides don't you think it's a bit hypocritical to complain mate, as I know it's only recently that you started using your real age on your profile(s). If statement is true, the hypocrisy would be rather hilarious, and embarrassing.
redheadguy Posts: 2216	Aug 19, 2008 7:31 PM GMT Quote I will talk to him. Thanks Loz, hard-faced mare indeed!
Laurence Posts: 624	Aug 19, 2008 7:38 PM GMT Quote Yes Red, remember talk is cheap - and so are you! Good luck Lozx
SurrealLife Posts: 4382	Aug 19, 2008 7:46 PM GMT Quote It is kind of a sad commentary on RJ members that most people commenting on this topic think the majority of us lie about something in our profile. I pesonally have not come across it with people I have interacted with, but those interactions don't have a sexual or relationship possibility. I don't consider lying about something as fundamental as your age is a small deal. It says a lot about the person's feelings about themselves. And so what if he gets rejected by guys who are younger then him? I can understand having trouble handling rejection at 27 but at 57? Jeez.
Hidden/Deleted Member	Aug 19, 2008 8:00 PM GMT Quote Anyone else on here enjoying the rich aroma of sanctimony? Lying about age is time-honored. Women have been doing it for centuries. But nooooooo, it's a sign of shameful moral failing if we do it. PULLLLEASE. That said, he should have come clean perhaps sooner. But it hardly means he's a cesspool of sin.
fastprof Posts: 1450	Aug 19, 2008 8:08 PM GMT Quote redheadguy said But this lie is troubling me. I think the issue should be not whether he lied about his age on his profile, but why he didn't correct the misimpression immediately with you when you progressed beyond acquaintance stage. I don't think age should be an issue at all on a fitness site purporting to foster free exchange of ideas on staying in shape and other issues. I will admit to lying about my age on a hookup site, but not once to a potential boyfriend, partner or friend. By that I mean, I would straigthen that out right away. For this site, since I view the fact that age is not an issue in the common exchanges we have here (it's not basically a dating site, for criminy's sake...if it were, I would agree that no one should NOT disclose their age), I, like a handful of others....ObsceneWish and others, have put a ridiculous age there for myself. If anyone is interested in anything more, then they will get my real age right away. But to get back to OP's comment...it's clear that this matters to you, redheadguy, and I think I agree it should if you feel that you were strung along to get you ensnared. If, on the other hand, he laid it out flat the first time you guys met on a date, then you could nail him on the idiocy of lying on the website, but not on his fundamental honesty to you. But based upon what you said in your OP...man, yes, I would be upset too. He waited MONTHS? That is dishonest. Think it through, carefully, though. I think the typical (boyfriend) relationship between gay men has a mode of around 2 years, with most between 1 and 4 years (I remember reading that somewhere, but I could have that off). If you are sexually charged by the guy, and he looks good, and the REAL issue is that you feel he really is older than dirt..consider that it might be worth it to explore it a bit. If he's taking care of himself, and looks good and loves you, it should be worth it to stay in this. Just think of the fun you;d have making him feel guilty about this forever? However, no doubt, I would pin his ears to his head. Seriously. He should have told you much sooner so that you could have made an informed decision to stay, get out or just yell at him. There is no excuse for that.
TD22 Posts: 871	Aug 19, 2008 8:13 PM GMT Quote Big Deal whats the problem?
ZDREW Posts: 1947	Aug 19, 2008 8:14 PM GMT Quote edited to remove undue harshness Men are sometimes insecure. People sometimes do dumb things out of insecurity. One of those things might be to lie to a new acquaintance about age. Cut him slack -- when he told this wee little fib, he probably didn't anticipate hanging around long enough for the truth to be relevant. Apparently, he found something in you worth sticking around for, so instead of bringing a little lie he told months ago back to haunt him, enjoy the fact the dude digs you. And he told you finally, right? In commonsense-world, that means he wants to set things straight for the future...if you don't blow this out of proportion and blow said future, that is.
LittleDudeWit... Posts: 684	Aug 19, 2008 9:35 PM GMT Quote Maybe you should give this guy a break. Particularly if everything else with him has been OK (and it must have been, since you've been seeing him for a few months.) Sure, he should've told you sooner. But if he seems otherwise like an honorable guy, consider this: Maybe he's fessing up now because he sees a real relationship developing. . . and now he cares enough about you to want to make things right. Ask yourself: What are you really upset about? The lie? Or that he's ten years older? If he had said, 'Hey, I lied, I'm really ten years YOUNGER than I said. . . I just lied 'cause I knew you liked older guys.' Would that have bothered you as much? Ask yourself that one -- and answer honestly because, above all, you shouldn't lie to yourself.
innerathlete Posts: 499	Aug 19, 2008 9:48 PM GMT Quote I'm not a huge fan of lying in general but I agree with others that the real issue here is that he took over three months to tell you about it and then put pressure on you to not care. It was his choice to withhold that information for months on end, he can man up and take responsibility for it. If you are someone who feels strongly that you need to lie about your age to be given a fair shot, it only seems right you'd fess up to it pretty early in the dating game. I just had a guy tell me was actually 35 (his profile says 30) over IM before we have even met. It did make me pause (not because of his age, because of the lie) but I still want to meet him. It just seems like that's the best way to do it.
lissenup Posts: 560	Aug 19, 2008 9:51 PM GMT Quote Lying about one's age is a gateway lie.
SurrealLife Posts: 4382	Aug 19, 2008 10:10 PM GMT Quote jprichva saidAnyone else on here enjoying the rich aroma of sanctimony? Lying about age is time-honored. Women have been doing it for centuries. But nooooooo, it's a sign of shameful moral failing if we do it. PULLLLEASE. That said, he should have come clean perhaps sooner. But it hardly means he's a cesspool of sin. Not a cesspool of sin, but what is the big deal about saying your age? As if the guy won't find out sooner or later anyways. There are lots of other guys out there that are confident and self-assured enough to say "I am 57" and let the chips fall where they may. For guys in their 40's that may not be an issue. As for women lying about their age for centuries, that is hardly something to aspire to, getting as neurotic as a middle-aged single woman living in the Victorian age. What a turn off.
MuslDrew Posts: 392	Aug 19, 2008 10:26 PM GMT Quote I have recently dated a guy who lied about his age, a guy who lied about preparing for a competition and a guy who tried to hook up with one of my best straight buds. I'll take the guy who lied about his age over those other guys anyday.For some reason, he eventually fessed up to you.
blkbodybdr Posts: 5	Aug 19, 2008 10:35 PM GMT Quote Well, just say this prayer: "Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those whose sins are different than mine." Of course this prayer only works if you're not perfect.
joeindallas Posts: 440	Aug 19, 2008 10:48 PM GMT Quote The issue of age is so Passe. Face it boys. it is not like you are going to have kids with your BF. On that matter age matters to a Male/Female relationship and who wants to go thur Menopause with a woman. Most guys on here are in good to great shape and if Going for the Gold in the Bedroom Olympics is key. There is a little Blue Pill for that, he might even share with you from the REAL STUFF bottle. The only thing I hate is teh Little Twinks who are under 18 on line, talk dirty to them you might get in trouble
roadbikeRob Posts: 359	Aug 19, 2008 10:52 PM GMT Quote If a guy cannot be honest about something as simple as his age, then how can you expect him to be honest about anything else. One little white lie eventually leads to more little white lies about oneself. Yes it is hard to admit getting older, but there is nothing you can do to father time because it just keeps on ticking away.
drakutis Posts: 397	Aug 19, 2008 10:56 PM GMT Quote I have a friend who is older than me, close to 50, and he tells people he's 26 just because he's looks younger. He even gives out a nick name and not his real name. I say grow the hell up!!!
Hidden/Deleted Member	Aug 19, 2008 10:56 PM GMT Quote SurrealLife said As for women lying about their age for centuries, that is hardly something to aspire to, getting as neurotic as a middle-aged single woman living in the Victorian age. What a turn off. You mistake me, JB. I'm not arguing FOR lying about one's age. I never bother myself (what on earth would be the point?) but all this talk about this mild little fib being a gateway to more serious lying is just sanctimony and hogwash. ("OMG...he's really five years older than he said! Check his tax return! Contact the FBI! He may have a prison record!")
polobutt Posts: 794	Aug 19, 2008 11:03 PM GMT Quote As many others have stated above, I'd send him on his way. I had the same thing happen to me once. It wasn't the guys age that got to me, it was all the stories and the time lines that he had to so thoughtfully think out in order for his life to fit into his new assumed age. It shows an incredible skill at maniuplation and lying.
steven_patter... Posts: 58	Aug 19, 2008 11:17 PM GMT Quote Definitely "Danger! Danger, Will Robinson!" I'm 55 and more than happy to let it be known. I get far more strokes from people not believing I'm actually that age than I would pretending I'm the age that I look.
USMmmm Posts: 200	Aug 19, 2008 11:19 PM GMT Quote Based on the popularity of this thread, I'd say the topic hits a nerve with most of us. This issue has come up before and I was pretty much attacked for taking a stand against lying about your age. Some suggested that unless I'm perfect (never, ever lie) that I shouldn't expect someone to be truthful about their age. I think it's particularly important in an on-line community (such as RJ) that we present an honest profile of ourselves. We typically don't have benefit of face-to-face interaction; we're depending on what you write. It's not like your age is up for debate; it is what it is. Sure, I think I could claim 5 years younger, but why? Relationship are difficult enough without beginning one with deceit.
Hidden/Deleted Member	Aug 19, 2008 11:22 PM GMT Quote I think you should consider whether or not the lying is enough of an issue for you to dump him. I used to have a bit of a pathological lying problem, and Jed forgave me for it, but my lies were of a more outlandish castle-in-the-Swiss-Alps-guarded-by-monkeys variety, so it was easier, I suppose. I'm with the liars are liars posse, but is that enough of a reason to break up with him? Only you can decide that.
nv7_ Posts: 106	Aug 19, 2008 11:25 PM GMT Quote Age in not an issue until someone lies about it. Seems he has an issue with his age. Considering how many gay men bitch and moan about not wanting to date men with issues (aka drama), I find it odd that some of you would then say it's no big deal. If this started as a hookup that led to dating, I guess lying about his age was no big deal. If however, you met from the start with the aim of actually forming something long term, he should have said something sooner.
fastprof Posts: 1450	Aug 19, 2008 11:27 PM GMT Quote USMmmm saidI think it's particularly important in an on-line community (such as RJ) that we present an honest profile of ourselves. But the issue isn't lying in an online profile. The real issue is that he didn't correct the lie on the first date, or at least the first outing of significance. If he had corrected it immediately, I see no reason for the extravagant claims I see in this thread that this guy's character is in question. I think that is a way-overreaction, and the fact that people who lie, cheat, and are otherwise dishonorable also lie about tiny things like their age, doesn't mean that people who misadvertise their age on an online profile are disreputable rogues who are dishonest in all significant ways in their lives. Why is age important on RJ? Let me put it this way...there are so many faceless profiles on RJ, that whatever age those guys put has no meaning anyway. Yet, I am not going around calling the people with faceless/headless profiles dishonest or potentially dishonest. (Please...I am not trying to hijack this thread, but am making a point). Let's say redheadguy's friend had a faceless profile and the correct age. And let's say that when they met, there was no attraction. Well, the faceless profile was more deceitful than putting the wrong age, as long as the pictures were honest. Please guys, I know you have reasons for faceless profiles. I am not attacking that. Just making a point.
Alpha13 Posts: 330	Aug 19, 2008 11:39 PM GMT Quote Age is an issue but are we talking biological age or chronological age. I knew guys in high school that were losing their hair and getting grey. They were late 20's at 18 y.o. They were the guys that could walk into a liquor store and not get carded. I had a friend in college who's voice only changed in junior year! The guy that is pissed off about the" lie" looks older than a guy I met recently recently who's profile read 37 but was actually 46 and I was not disappointed at all. Life is always going to be more complicated than the rules will allow. But maybe you need to be my age to realize that truth is as relative as Einstein says time is.
SurrealLife Posts: 4382	Aug 19, 2008 11:50 PM GMT Quote jprichva said SurrealLife said As for women lying about their age for centuries, that is hardly something to aspire to, getting as neurotic as a middle-aged single woman living in the Victorian age. What a turn off. You mistake me, JB. I'm not arguing FOR lying about one's age. I never bother myself (what on earth would be the point?) but all this talk about this mild little fib being a gateway to more serious lying is just sanctimony and hogwash. ("OMG...he's really five years older than he said! Check his tax return! Contact the FBI! He may have a prison record!") I guess because I am HIV+ and thought I would never see 47 let alone 57, and have known guys who never saw 37, a guy lying about his sets me off. If this had happened to me I would either A). Thrown something at him and told him to grow up or B). Started naming all the people I knew who had died before 57, and that he should consider himself honoured and lucky to reach such a fine age. Gays fear about getting older drives fucking nuts.
GQjock Posts: 3681	Aug 19, 2008 11:59 PM GMT Quote I'm a little surprised that You're surprised red.. This is the land of smoke and mirrors I know he lied.. and it's part of deciding if you want to continue on with this guy but it's out there Guys are gonna lie about their age their size their weight their waist size ... it's gotten to the point when a guy tells me he's 40 I automatically add on 5 more years
MuslDrew Posts: 392	Aug 20, 2008 12:12 AM GMT Quote [quote][cite]GQjock said[/cite]I'm a little surprised that You're surprised red.. This is the land of smoke and mirrors I know he lied.. and it's part of deciding if you want to continue on with this guy but it's out there Guys are gonna lie about their age their size their weight their waist size ... it's gotten to the point when a guy tells me he's 40 I automatically add on 5 more years or 5 more pounds, inches etc. if that's his biggest flaw so far...... are you still able to enjoy spending time with or not?
tanktop Posts: 305	Aug 20, 2008 12:16 AM GMT Quote To me the important thing it that he told you his real age. Unless I missed something, he was under no immediate danger of being discovered in his lie. Now while the original lie is distasteful, the important thing is that he admitted his mistake. We've had presidents less honest than that. All that is important is whether or not you really like him. You should know that he may have a pattern of lying about things in the past, and maybe even in the future, but he has demonstrated that he cares enough about you to tell you the truth, even if he is ashamed of it. Regardless of whether or not you have a reationship with him, I'd focus on the positive thing he did, more than the negative.
ursamajor Posts: 1409	Aug 20, 2008 12:17 AM GMT Quote He hedged his bets and bought some time to see if he was interested in you and if you might be interested in him. He confessed because he is seriously interested in you and knows he cannot carry around this little-white lie any longer. This man cares about you or he would not have confessed. A pathological lier doesn't confess. In the end it is a compliment, and I would look at it that way. Besides 57 is the new 37. Ain't Gerontology grand? Terry
MuslDrew Posts: 392	Aug 20, 2008 12:30 AM GMT Quote The longest & strongest relationships I know have weathered way more than this.
Ironman4U Posts: 10	Aug 20, 2008 12:34 AM GMT Quote Ageism is alive and well in the gay community; particularly online. Guys in their 40's and 50's (and older) are definitely shunned by many no matter how hot. It's a shame that as a culture we idolize youth over substance...but it is what it is. Doesn't mean that lying is right. Be careful, those that live in glass houses...
GuyNextDoorOh... Posts: 213	Aug 20, 2008 12:43 AM GMT Quote I agree - I think it has more to do with how he feels he is accepted by others or rejected by others because so many guys out there are very very ageist. A friend of mine was upset when he found out the guy he had dated was not 29 but 39. Yet my friend had lied about little things, too. I wish a couple people I dated had lied about their age instead of how they were sleeping around or begging me to wait for them when they were out dating other people trying to figure out what they wanted. Truthfully, I rarely ask anyone their age - I was brought up that it was "rude to ask" so it became habit I guess.
muchmorethanm... Posts: 2759	Aug 20, 2008 12:49 AM GMT Quote merrillman saidI have never seen any point in lying about my age. Its probably harder for me to believe I'm 50 than it is for anybody else. Yeah I don't believe it either. I thought you were like 75 or 80. Just teasing. You do look younger.
looknrnd Posts: 423	Aug 20, 2008 12:50 AM GMT Quote I've dated MOSTLY older men. A majority of them lied about their age. I let it go as it didn't matter to me what age they were, but I eventually found a connection to a lack of self-esteem. In turn, these liars were not trusting nor were they trustworthy. And, the moment you find them out or they have the courage to admit it to you, they close up and disappear emotionally. I still care about them all and keep in