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My parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?

Just keep it up until you feel like you are ready to talk to them about it. Another thing you could do is just tell them that you're hanging out with this friend or that friend. Eventually a way to come out to them is just let them meet your friends.

Just tell dear mom that porn is a lot cheap than the old ball and chain.

There are some good reasons to stay in the closet. Such as, they are putting you through college and are such insufferable dicks they would kick you out if you turned out wrong.

Barring that, there is no need to keep up the charade. Your mother could be asking you such questions to open up your sexuality to discussion.

In time you will know when to go the extra mile.

Say that you're too busy with exams and tests to go out dating for now...

I'd say it depends on your relationship with your parent's now.

I didn't tell my dad for years. It was mainly because we weren't close and I considered it to be a pretty inconsequential thing for him to know. There were tons of other things about me that he didn't know, so why should that be a big deal? And I was worried he wouldn't approve, possibly making Christmas dinner at my granny's house uncomfortable (that being the only time we spent together).

Living with your parent's is possibly a different situation. Do your parent's love you? Do they seem accepting of other things that they may disapprove of? Do they seem to care about you? Are they fundamentalist born-again Christians?

If you feel like you shouldn't come out to them because they're financially supporting you and you're worried that would end, then that sounds like a pretty good reason to stay in the closet to them.

If that's the case, then here are some good reasons:

* Money
* Shelter
* Food

I don't think you can get too much better than that for reasons.

Hey man... I'm in the same boat, and I'm in Grad School!!!

I always tell them that I'm just really busy and am waiting to get out of school and established before I get into a serious relationship.

But... I've started coming out to my friends, so my parents are going to be coming up on the list soon enough....

carthesis saidMy parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?

Tell them your holding out for someone you feel a special connection true rather than dating for the sake of dating.

My stepmum got drunk at an extremely fancy yacht club dinner and yelled out what my family apart from my not so in tune farther already knew.

The words uncomfortable silence gained a whole new depth for me that day...

Mom kept me in the dark for 9 months - my turn now

I'm sure your parents love you for who you are so perhaps it's about time to tell them. What people don't like is being left in the dark. What if some time down the line they find out? How do you think that will make them feel? That they went wrong somewhere?

Best to do it sooner rather than later.

"MOM! Are you and dad gonna start telling me about your intimate moments...I dont wanna know!" Cover your ears with your hands and run to your room screaming.

Or a more reasonable response...Mom, let me handle my own private life.

carthesis saidMy parents are always telling me i work too much at college because they never see me dating and i never mention dating. Im not out to them. Anyone got any stories of keeping the sharade up? How long can i keep this up?

You are only 19. Only you can say how long you can hold out not telling them. I turn 28 this year and still have not said those 3 words to my parents.

A lot of people have mentioned that if parents are paying for school or providing financial support then you can stay in the closet.

Fist I want to say that everyone has to do what is best for them and sometimes keeping quiet may be the best option.

However, for me I decided to come out and now my parents no longer pay the tuition ($33,000+ per year :-). So, yes, its sucks, I have student loans out of my ass lol, and my relationship with my family really suffered for a while. But, as I look back over the past few years I honestly couldn't put a price tag on the amazing experiences and growth I've had.

Being out was a big sacrifice, but for me I think it was all worth it.

I just thought I would add that perspective to the conversation...

This is why we have Fag Hags and Lesbians; just in case the heat turns up too high. Do what you have to do, kiddo.

UncleverName saidI'd say it depends on your relationship with your parent's now.

If you feel like you shouldn't come out to them because they're financially supporting you and you're worried that would end, then that sounds like a pretty good reason to stay in the closet to them.

If that's the case, then here are some good reasons:

* Money
* Shelter
* Food

I don't think you can get too much better than that for reasons.

How about Honesty?

Sorry - but so many of you above seem to be saying that its ok to lie to your parents as long as you are getting all you can out of the relationship - food-shelter-money-education.

While I think it is ok to protect oneself, especially if you are underage, they should not be excuses for not coming out as an adult.

As an adult (age 18+) you should be able to pro actively take some responsibility for your own affairs - including finding employment - shelter - and higher education. No, it may not be easy, but a hell of a lot of us seem to have managed it.

Look - I am not trying to criticize unfairly - hell, I didn't even realize I was gay until my mid 20's, and I didn't come OUT until a few years later. There are many dynamics to a person's coming OUT. But most of them involve physical, emotional, and mental health.

I just think it is really incredibly disingenuous to state that the reason someone shouldn't come out is because they think they can profit more from their parents by staying closeted. What does that say about having an adult relationship with your parents and taking responsibility for yourself.

If most gays feel that way at a young age, no wonder so many have such a lack of self respect.

Just sayin...

Those are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.

McGay saidThose are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.

Ooooh - someone just got pwned!

To respond a little to what ITJock said, I'd have to say that at the end of the day, coming out is only as big of a deal as you make it. If I woke up one day suddenly with a third nipple, and found out that my parent's wouldn't continue to support me if I told them, I wouldn't necessarily tell them until later. Is having a third nipple that important to me or the rest of the world? In the grand scheme of things, no; it's not really a big deal. Being gay is just one aspect of you; get over it and it will be easier for others to.

If you don't feel comfortable telling your parent's now, then don't. If when you do tell them they are upset that you shut them out for so long, apologize and tell them that it really wasn't that big of a deal. If it is that big of a deal for you, then you probably should tell them now.

I can understand ITJock's comments and where he is coming from. In terms of being a man and supporting yourself, if I agreed with all of ITJock's comments (and I don't), I would say they apply regardless of whether you come out or not. If it's important enough for you to come out and deal with the consequences of it (if the consequences might mean supporting yourself), then you should figure out how to support yourself anyways, and then come out anyways. The two are not necessarily connected.

The original poster asked for reasons to stay in the closet. I wasn't condoning him staying in the closet or saying I thought it was the best thing in the world or that it's what I would have done. Carthesis is the only one that can make the call. All we can do is offer him different view points, and try not to judge him or others posting on here.

IT,

I just know of too many young gay men that got kicked out of their homes and cut off from their families when they came out. Some that were/are incredibly intelligent, weren't able to get over the shock and had to live on the streets for a bit. The lucky ones can recover if they have a strong friend base or find places to help them cope appropriately.

Hell, I ended up having to move out a place because the guy I was living with wasn't out to his folks and when his dad met me, he started asking my friend if he was gay. (I was flipping out about some popcorn I'd just burnt, and I guess my flame was high.) Out of fear for his inheritance, he asked me to move out. We've patched things up since, and I've moved on, but that wasn't a very fun time.

Carthesis, do what you have to do. You'll know when you're ready to come out. Besides, you're in college, you're supposed to work hard.

I hear their takin guys for the Peace Corps

My man... is all this worrying and lying to your parents worth it?

IT,

I really don't want to give anyone an excuse to stay in the closet a moment longer. However, practicality in this instance is more important than honesty.

If your folks are supporting you through school and they are fine with your sexuality, then grand, you simply put off the inevitable for a few years.

If your folks are supporting you through school and they would disown you if they ever discovered your sexuality, then get through school and then be honest. What is the point of being honest if it means you might not complete your college education or defer graduation for a few years because you are working to put yourself through school? Great, you wasted a few years of your life to be honest to a pair of dicks.

It is always OK to siphon off resources from ass holes who are so heartless as to consider a gay son dead. Fuck them.

McGay saidThose are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.

And we have had this discussion at least twice before on the board...

Show me a way to post the image so that no one can pirate it again, and I am there.

Since I am not looking for hookups - I will settle for discourse, and the wisdom of my words will have to suffice despite your argumentum ad hominem.

ITJock saidAnd we have had this discussion at least twice before on the board...

Show me a way to post the image so that no one can pirate it again, and I am there.

Since I am not looking for hookups - I will settle for discourse, and the wisdom of my words will have to suffice despite your argumentum ad hominem.

Just go into your photo editing program and watermark it by typing something to the effect of "Image only valid for ITJock on RealJock.com" across it and then adjusting the opacity of the text so you can still see the image through it.

Thanks, RBY. That's quite brilliant.

My excuse to all the girls, family and friends all these years was that the crushing workload of high school and college was preventing me from having a social life and I couldn't possibly joggle school and a relationship without having a brain overload,(which is ironic considering it's much more difficult to lead two separate lives without making one know about the other; The gay life vs The straight life.)

Your mom probably knows. Moms always know.

MunchingZombie said
It is always OK to siphon off resources from ass holes who are so heartless as to consider a gay son dead. Fuck them.

Wow, thats a pretty strong statement.

As I explained before, I think the rewards to coming out of the closet and living a completely open life, far out weigh the cost of college tuition and family drama. But, at the same time, I think you can't trivialize the trauma and struggle caused by disagreeing with your family.

I mean you make it sound like cutting yourself off from your family is like flipping off some asshole on the highway. I think the family relationship is much more complex than that. No matter how disapproving and cold your family can be (my father is a pastor...) there is still a strong emotional bond with them.

Sure, I had a lot of anger when I came out to my family. I may have even said a few "Fuck You!!"s. But that anger was just covering up the hurt and pain I felt from their disapproval and abandonment. Its incredibly hard to face the risk of losing your family, especially when family is the main source of support for tough times.

I guess what Im trying to say is, for me coming out to my family and dealing with the consequences was the best choice. But, it was by no means an easy thing to do. I think its important to be understanding towards people who feel its NOT the right time for them.

I think its all based on what you are comfortable with and the kind of relationship you have with your parents and their comfort level.

If you expect a negative reaction, my suggestion is to wait until you are self sufficient. If they do something emotionally inappropriate, you don't have to rely on them for anything. You probably should be honest with them eventually, but that timing is strictly your business... and don't let anyone here or anywhere tell you anything to the contrary.

ITJock said

And we have had this discussion at least twice before on the board...

Show me a way to post the image so that no one can pirate it again, and I am there.

Now I really want to see a photo of ITJock.
With the 100,000+ members here (or the 600 Million+ members on MySpace, or the how many millions on Facebook and all the other social networking sites out there) why would his photo here be found and then pirated?

I'm just sayin'....


More importantly Carthesis, you will talk to your parents when you are ready. It is all part of gaining maturity.

[quote][cite]ITJock said[/cite
As an adult (age 18+) you should be able to pro actively take some responsibility for your own affairs - including finding employment - shelter - and higher education.[/quote]

We're gay....not stupid! .....

"take some responsibility for you own affairs" .... he is...he's taking responsibility for his own adult affairs. These days you aren't ready to go out on ones own til after college.

McGay saidThanks, RBY. That's quite brilliant.

Yeah, watermarking is pretty difficult to remove by editing the image alone. It's what's being done with copyrighted digital artwork online.

All in good time. There's a time and a purpose to everything, and when you've found that you want to make dating your purpose when the time comes, than so be it. But don't date for dating sake alone. Date because you're open and ready to have someone new in your life, and date the man you want to date. Don't date the guy your friends would like or your family "wants" for you.

thanks guys. Im pretty sure they don't have the slightest clue. I woulda came out alot earlier but both of my parents are homophobic. My dad has lost a client before because he told her that her gay son needed to go get therapy for his "condition".

After a really hard month for me in highschool, i went to my mom for advice and support and she basically told me:

"Don't worry about it, Bad people tend to get whats coming to them at the end. You know that gay couple at work? They got fired last week."

That made a really bad time for me alot worse.

Im thinking that the best i could really hope for is my parents being forgiving or having pity on me for my hellbound soul. If my dad was still a devout catholic i could count on him following the catechism which would at least tell him to have sympathy for my condition, but hes been listening to so many insanely fundamentalist nutjobs on the radio....

Something I would definitely suggest you invest some time in now, especially while you're still in college, is to cultivate some friendships and develop a support network that doesn't require your parents. The easiest way i know how to do this is to be as honest as I can with people and to do my best to be there for them.

When you do tell your parents, you want to have as many people in your corner as possible, so that you can sort through how you feel. Maybe they won't be able to give you money, but your true friends will always do their best to listen and tell you what you need to hear (which won't always be what you want to hear).

Don't beat yourself up or over think things. Do things in your own time, and do what you feel is right. Its all only as big of a deal as you want to make it.

Parents always know. On some level, they perceive something is not as it should be. Often they choose to ignore it, or explain it away as something else. I thought I was shocking my parents when I told them, yet quickly found out that all the drama of that night was because we were talking openly of that which must not be discussed.

McGay saidThose are some good words, IT. I think they'd have more power if you were more out yourself. By that, I mean, having a picture. There's nothing wrong with not having one, unless you're advising people about honesty and coming out.

McGay, IT has told us numerous times he works in a very sensitive security business. It would not be a good idea for him to post a photo here. You don't see any photos on here of the people with "Blackwater"? Or do you? Hmmmmmmm...


On some level your parents already know. When I came out to my Mother she said she always thought I was different but couldn't quite figure out what.