Psyche & Meditation
Ask Billy: Am I too old to have kids?
By Billy Bean
Billy,
I'm 53. My other half of 17 years is 50. We're both in good health. Are we too old to participate in a surrogacy program to have a baby or should we adopt an older child? I'd be 70 before a child would be raised. I wonder if that's too old to be a parent.
Cliff McSparran
Austin, Texas
Dear Cliff,
I think it is wonderful that you and your partner want to be parents. You have obviously proven to each other that you are partners in this life and you should be very proud of that. Having been in a relationship of my own for 11 years, I know that there are many obstacles in our daily lives that can make this accomplishment difficult, but as I always say: it's certainly worth it.
Your question is a difficult one. Since you asked, I'll give you my opinion.
Remember that I am not a parent. Although I come from a large family, each and every situation is unique and life changing. One of my dearest friends in Miami went through the surrogacy experience a few years ago. It was incredible to witness. I am sure most of us have fantasized about having a few of our "own" little images running around the house. I completely understand why this would seem so appealing to you and your partner. However, there are many long-term ramifications to consider, most of them have to do with your age.
A child needs every bit of your attention for many years. I think one of the hardest lessons I have seen in my life is watching friends or family becoming parents without understanding the enormity of the responsibility. Everyone thinks of the parenthood experience as being the pregnancy, birth and infancy period. However, think how important every day is going to be for your child between the ages of 8 and 18. Not to mention that most of your child's friends will have parents half your age. This could be a very confusing and trying experience for him or her, and we're not even talking about having two daddies yet. It is my hope that someday, two mommies, two daddies, or one of each will make absolutely no difference in the eyes of the world. However, until that day, it is something we as a community must discuss, if only to protect our children.
My last concern is whether you've discussed this with both of your families. Do they support your idea? If something were to happen to you and your partner, would there be someone to take the responsibility of raising this child for you? What is your financial situation? Can you support this child who would be coming into the world completely dependent on you both? Two men raising a child in Texas might not be the most supportive environment either, so that is something to consider. Would you continue to live there?
If you have considered all of these questions already, I applaud you. Because it is vital that we in our community do become parents if it is the right decision. It is the only way the world is going to change it's view about the seriousness of our commitments, our desire to have a complete lives and, most importantly, our ability to be great parents.
That being said, in the situation you described to me, I would say that adopting an older child would be just as fulfilling and life changing for you as a couple. There are so many children between the ages of 5 and 15 who have never had a loving family to support, encourage and allow them to reach their true potential. I can think of nothing more generous and wonderful than giving a young child that chance in life. I have had many opportunities to coach kids in baseball clinics and sporting environments, and each time I experience this, I walk away feeling like I was given the gift. I am sure you will have the same experience. It seems to me, that fostering a child is the perfect environment to see if you have what it takes to be a great parent and an influential role model for a deserving kid.
I wish you all the luck in this decision. I hope our paths cross someday soon.
Billy Bean
Got a question for Billy? Send your questions to billy@realjock.com.
I'm 53. My other half of 17 years is 50. We're both in good health. Are we too old to participate in a surrogacy program to have a baby or should we adopt an older child? I'd be 70 before a child would be raised. I wonder if that's too old to be a parent.
Cliff McSparran
Austin, Texas
Dear Cliff,
I think it is wonderful that you and your partner want to be parents. You have obviously proven to each other that you are partners in this life and you should be very proud of that. Having been in a relationship of my own for 11 years, I know that there are many obstacles in our daily lives that can make this accomplishment difficult, but as I always say: it's certainly worth it.
Your question is a difficult one. Since you asked, I'll give you my opinion.
Remember that I am not a parent. Although I come from a large family, each and every situation is unique and life changing. One of my dearest friends in Miami went through the surrogacy experience a few years ago. It was incredible to witness. I am sure most of us have fantasized about having a few of our "own" little images running around the house. I completely understand why this would seem so appealing to you and your partner. However, there are many long-term ramifications to consider, most of them have to do with your age.
A child needs every bit of your attention for many years. I think one of the hardest lessons I have seen in my life is watching friends or family becoming parents without understanding the enormity of the responsibility. Everyone thinks of the parenthood experience as being the pregnancy, birth and infancy period. However, think how important every day is going to be for your child between the ages of 8 and 18. Not to mention that most of your child's friends will have parents half your age. This could be a very confusing and trying experience for him or her, and we're not even talking about having two daddies yet. It is my hope that someday, two mommies, two daddies, or one of each will make absolutely no difference in the eyes of the world. However, until that day, it is something we as a community must discuss, if only to protect our children.
My last concern is whether you've discussed this with both of your families. Do they support your idea? If something were to happen to you and your partner, would there be someone to take the responsibility of raising this child for you? What is your financial situation? Can you support this child who would be coming into the world completely dependent on you both? Two men raising a child in Texas might not be the most supportive environment either, so that is something to consider. Would you continue to live there?
If you have considered all of these questions already, I applaud you. Because it is vital that we in our community do become parents if it is the right decision. It is the only way the world is going to change it's view about the seriousness of our commitments, our desire to have a complete lives and, most importantly, our ability to be great parents.
That being said, in the situation you described to me, I would say that adopting an older child would be just as fulfilling and life changing for you as a couple. There are so many children between the ages of 5 and 15 who have never had a loving family to support, encourage and allow them to reach their true potential. I can think of nothing more generous and wonderful than giving a young child that chance in life. I have had many opportunities to coach kids in baseball clinics and sporting environments, and each time I experience this, I walk away feeling like I was given the gift. I am sure you will have the same experience. It seems to me, that fostering a child is the perfect environment to see if you have what it takes to be a great parent and an influential role model for a deserving kid.
I wish you all the luck in this decision. I hope our paths cross someday soon.
Billy Bean
Got a question for Billy? Send your questions to billy@realjock.com.
bobrusso wrote:
My partner and I are in our mid-forties. We have adopted 5 wonderful children ages 15, 11, 7, 6, 4. While your age should be a part of your age in adopting, (Do you/Will you be able to handle a teen when you are in your 70's) it should not stop you from fulfilling your dream to become a parent. Older foster kids come with emotional and mental baggage. Keep in close contact with their case worker, as they will be a great resource for information as to what help is available. My three younger children are black and this has only been a problem with two of our family members. We were very open and honest with our families b4 we adopted any of our kids. Finally make sure you are in a community that will not totally out-cast you kids. Our neighbors love our kids and we have only had a few instances of ignorance at the schools in our town. Talk to the principle about what actions you can expect if you hear any negative comments from other kids or parents or teachers. Good luck and best wishes.
Aug 05 11:53 AM
joe wrote:
just imagine...your brother and wife suddenly in an accident, they have left behind a minor.
You are the only remaining next of kin, would it matter what age both you and your partner were? or of what sexuality?
All these minor concerns would be overridden by the childs needs. And my guess is you would step( and be expected) into the breech as though it would be the most natural thing to do.
Like in most things in life, once we have overcome our own fears - much is possible.
You'll be just fine.
J
Sep 02 6:47 AM